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 Ask Rhee Gold
Dance educators seek advice about teaching
issues
Q:
Dear Rhee,
What do you do when a 30-year-old mom brings her 20-year-old
boyfriend to the studio and proceeds to make out in front of
the parents’ observation window? Just when you think you’ve
seen it all, some loonytune does something to curl your toes!
Got any advice? Thanks! —Elaine
A:
Hello Elaine,
Just when I thought I had heard it all, you’ve reminded me of
how much more we can all experience in the dance teaching
profession. It’s an evolving art form in so many ways!
Although I know I would feel uncomfortable opening my mouth, I
would have to confront the mom involved. I would be sure to do
it in a private setting to avoid embarrassing her. Also be
sure not to mention the couple’s ages (though that makes the
story more interesting!). Doing so would probably make her
defensive and she would feel like you are judging her. Simply
explain that your school environment is about making the right
impression on the young minds of your students and that you
feel that her behavior isn’t appropriate in that atmosphere.
If you know the mom well enough, you also might want to
mention that her behavior is probably embarrassing her
daughter.
This is not an easy one, but this behavior can’t continue in
your waiting area. A double dose of good luck to you! —Rhee
Q:
Dear Rhee,
I have four boys in my school; two of them are approaching
their teenage years. Last year I started to notice that the
older boys should be wearing dance belts, but as a female
teacher I feel uncomfortable bringing it up with them. What is
the appropriate age to address it, and do you have any
suggestions on how to approach it? I’m a bit embarrassed, but
I really need some input. Thanks. —Holly
A:
Hello Holly,
If it makes you feel better, it’s hard for a male teacher to
stand up at dress rehearsal for the annual show and tell 400
girls that they can’t wear underwear for the performance! A
great way to approach the dance-belt topic is to include it on
your list of proper attire in your dress code, which should be
in your student handbook and brochure. That way the boys or
their moms will bring it up to you if they don’t know what a
dance belt is. My mother (who was my teacher) had a male
teacher talk to my brother and me, which I think is another
good option. Or you could bring it up yourself. Explain that
all male dancers wear a dance belt starting at about age 10
and that it is important for their safety to do so.
I’m glad you asked this question, because I know a lot of
female dance teachers share your discomfort and may not have
the courage to ask. Good luck! —Rhee
Q:
Hi Rhee,
I am having a problem with one of my students. Sally is in our
dance company, and she did not show up for the mandatory,
weeklong summer intensive program that all company dancers
participate in. The parents fi nd out the dates in the fall
for the following year and are reminded several times
throughout the year. When Sally did not show up, I called and
emailed her father. He responded by saying, “Sorry, we got the
dates mixed up and went on vacation.” I am struggling with
what to do next. I hate to kick her off the team because of
her father’s mistake, but at the same time they were well
aware of the date and that it was mandatory. Any ideas for me?
Thanks so much! —Karen
A:
Hello Karen,
If the summer intensive is a mandatory program for the members
of your company and a student does not attend, then that
student did not fulfill her commitment. It would be another
story if the child was sick or had a family emergency, but
that’s obviously not the case here.
My guess, especially because you let the dancers and their
parents know of their obligations months in advance, is that
the father did not take your policies seriously. He probably
figures that you don’t have the guts to enforce them and
therefore he can do as he pleases. In my opinion his action
teaches his daughter that it’s OK to break the rules, and he
diminishes the value of commitment in his child’s eyes, which
is just the opposite of the lesson parents should be imparting
on their kids. But even if he truly forgot, unless you take
some kind of action the door will be open for other parents or
dancers to test your will to stand behind your own rules.
Because the other company dancers’ families worked their
vacations around their commitment to the intensive program, it
seems to me that you must take some action. As I see it, you
have a couple of options.
One, consider establishing a probation period for the first
offense regarding the policies of the dance company. In this
case, it might be that the dancer who missed the intensive
must serve as an understudy or won’t be included in the
choreography for an established period of time. Then, if she
were to miss rehearsal or class during the probationary
period, she would be asked to leave the dance company, no
exceptions. This option allows the child to keep dancing and
helps the father to understand that you are serious about your
policies. And it sends the same message to the other parents
and dancers.
Two, you could meet with the dancer and her parents to explain
that you have to stick by your policy, which means that the
child will not be part of the dance company this year. That
will be hard and it hurts the child, but the message that you
stick to your guns would be loud and clear to everyone,
probably for years to come. This is not an easy choice because
if the child is young, she probably had no control over the
situation, and it seems unfair to punish her for her parents’
actions. On the other hand, if she’s a teenager (and thus old
enough to be responsible), why didn’t she remind her father of
the dates or at least tell you about her family’s plans? If
the company is important to her, you would think she would
have said something.
Ultimately, you can’t jeopardize your future with the dance
company, making it a constant battle to retain a sense of
commitment from the dancers and their parents. Teachers who
live that way are not the happiest people I know. Be confident
and courageous when standing up for what you believe is the
right way to run your company. —Rhee
Q:
Hi Rhee,
For three generations my family has owned a dance school. We
are very successful and recognized for providing quality dance
education. I appreciate our history and my dancing family more
than I can express, but lately we are constantly arguing about
the business, which has started to carry over into our
personal relationships. Last week was my son’s birthday party,
and my sister did not show up because we had had some words
about the business the night before. Now my mom is mad at my
sister and my son wants to know why his aunt did not come to
his party.
We were all at the school yesterday and none of us spoke to
each other. The tension is high and it’s hard to teach when
I’m feeling this way. I love my family and I do not want to
have our business destroy us. I know you have been involved in
business with your family your entire life—how do you make it
work? —Valerie
A:
Hi Valerie,
Good question. Although every member of our family was and is
always a professional when we need to be, it was not always
hugs and kisses behind the scenes, especially when it came to
the school business. As I am sure is true of your family, we
all have strong personalities and different ideas on how the
business should operate. Many times that’s a good thing,
because you get to consider a lot of opinions before making a
decision. But when you are unable to compromise you do end up
with a stressed-out family.
Years ago it was my mom, Rennie, and me working together at
the studio, and we were a great team when it came to producing
dancers and creating choreography. But we never saw eye to eye
on how the school should be run. There were disagreements
about the recital, what to spend money on, and so on. Maturity
helped to ease the stress; however, there would still be a
family blow-up every once in a while and it wasn’t easy when
that happened.
As time went on, each of us started creating our own entities
within the dance profession: Rennie went off to choreograph; I
started my competition events; and my mother directed the
school. We would all be a part of each other’s “stuff,”
especially at the school, but we learned to be less involved
in how the others did their thing. Years later, Rennie and I
still have tiffs, but our real secret is that although we are
both in the same world, we each have our own place in it. He
is a guest teacher and speaker at my seminars and I offer him
input on the business and sometimes choreography. (The latter
can be a sensitive area.)
If all of you are involved in every aspect of the school
business and decision making, your family dynamics are a bit
different; however, it might be a good idea to give each
person a responsibility that is theirs alone and which
everybody agrees to let them handle without interference. For
example, someone could be in charge of the performances,
another the marketing or scheduling. That way each person has
something that they can do their way and take pride in. It may
help ease the tensions in your family.
On another note, the business should never interfere with the
personal family life. No matter what happens at the studio,
everyone needs to show up for family functions. I believe that
families should stick together no matter what, and that it’s
more important than the business. The children should not have
to wonder why their relatives didn’t come to their birthday
party.
Things will get better and then, if you’re like my family,
they will erupt again. But if you always know in the back of
your mind that family is first, everything should work out.
—Rhee
Send your questions and comments to
Dance Studio Life, P.O. Box 2150, Norton, MA 02766 or
gold5678@aol.com.
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