It’s a fact—without parents, dance schools wouldn’t have students. But one of the hardest issues for teachers, judges, and directors of dance competitions or conventions to deal with is the parent who becomes too involved or is not satisfied with the results.

 

During my years as competition director, I met many parents who loved the fact that their children were involved in an activity that would teach them self-discipline and respect for an art form. Those parents didn’t care how their children scored or what color medal they won— they were happy that they were focused and occupied. On the other hand, I’ve encountered fathers who challenged me to a fistfight because they thought the judges were too hard on their children. I’ve seen a mom throw her

daughter’s second-place trophy at a group of judges because she thought her daughter should have won first place. I’ve driven away from an event while parents yelled obscenities at me from their cars—with their children sitting in the back seat. And I can’t forget the numerous letters and emails that brought me so far down that I wasn’t myself for a couple of days. Judge and master teacher Brian Friedman

says, “Parents need to know that even if they don’t agree with the judge, they have to honor their opinion. By telling your children that the judges don’t know what they’re talking about, you set them up to [challenge authority] in other situations, for the rest of their lives. You have to be supportive, and not get angry if things don’t go as planned.”

 

 Some parents move their children from one school to another, from year to year, depending on which won more competition awards. The pressure these parents create can be too much for a teacher or choreographer to handle—not to mention their children. They don’t seem to realize that dance training is like any other educational aspect of a child’s life. Children progress at their own rate, some faster than others.  Some start off slowly and end up awesome; some start off like gangbusters and then fizzle as they grow.

 

Another problem arises when parents believe that their children should be doing something that they’re not ready for, or that the teacher is holding them back. For example, a teacher puts together a group of her best tap dancers for a competition piece. Mary Jane isn’t included (along with a few other kids in her class) because she needs more work in tap. She’s just not ready. But she’s in two other pieces, one lyrical and one modern, because she is ready for them. (And some of the tap-dance kids are not in those pieces, because they’re not ready for them.) Mary Jane’s mom flips out because she believes the teacher is picking on her kid!  In the end she leaves the school with a child who knew she wasn’t ready for the tap group and now isn’t dancing at all, because her mom couldn’t take it.

 

We can’t write about parents and competition without dabbling into audience behavior. Choreographer, instructional video producer, and competition director Cathy Roe says, “One of the things that parents need to understand is that all kids deserve to hear thundering applause. It breaks my heart to see some kids walk out onstage in silence, while others get enthusiastic applause. The adults need to show the kids how to be a gracious audience, to clap for everyone, not just their own dancer. That kind of behavior sets an example that reaches far beyond dance.” The issue goes beyond applause—it’s about showing respect for others. When parents jump out of their seats after their children are done, blocking the view of other parents whose children are onstage and running out of the auditorium, they are being disrespectful of the dancers and the audience. If we want our children to learn to respect others, we must set the example.

 

The problems I’ve described don’t exist only in the dance competition world; they are part of our society. Parents seem to need to feel that their children are winners. Hockey dads are beating up their children’s coaches, and school systems are eliminating the honor roll because parents say their children feel bad when they

don’t make it. Every kid on a Little League team gets a “most valuable player” trophy so they can end the season feeling good. Reality, it seems, has nothing to do with it. “Many high schools now name many valedictorians or none at all to avoid hurt feelings, squabbles, and lawsuits,” wrote Margaret Talbot in the June 6, 2005 issue of The New Yorker.

 

So what can dance teachers do about it? For starters, communicate with your students’ parents. Explain why your school participates in competition, and leave winning out of the equation. Describe how you expect them to act in the audience, whether their children win or not. Let them know that they are setting the example for their children and that you expect it to be the right example. Help them to understand that dance is an art and that the results of a dance competition are subjective—yes, the students are scored on technical excellence, but on their passion, too. And judges do have opinions. There are no goals to be scored or other teams to beat (or hate). Competition brings together schools, children, and parents who happen to love the same thing.

 

The process of preparing for competition, through classes and rehearsals, is what these children spend most of their time doing. It’s that process that needs to be appreciated, not the three minutes the child is onstage. As teachers, we need to guide parents to an appreciation for the skills and knowledge that their children will gain from the classroom and the dedication of their teachers or mentors. At the very least, dance can make parents realize how lucky they are that their children have healthy bodies.

 

 

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